The Top Ten Ways to Kill People

Posted: March 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

What? Too much for you in the morning? Come on. It’s fun to think about killing off characters in a series and I get bored seeing a criminal simply pull out a gun and start shooting. Come on. There are SOOO many more ways to get the bad guy or the good guy or whoever you’re in the mood to kill off. From serial killers to madmen and heroes who have to go the extra mile in order to stay alive, there are so many fascinating ways of finding and wielding the right weapon. It’s wonderful as an author to be able to take on a new challenge and try and make the story line sound believable.

The thought of killing of course isn’t new but when you combine the ability of using information from the Internet to finding and reading books meant for authors on the aspects of killing from poisons to guns, ropes to knives, you can really destroy some worlds. It’s funny given the age of terrorism that you can continue to find truly real life methods and trust me in my campy murder mystery series I use just about every one of them in creative ways.

When I sat down to pen the PINKED series I developed several cheat sheets. Meaning I of course wrote about the characters and all their attributes and I also wrote down the locations that would remain the same throughout the series. Then again I have everything from drinks I made up to food for The Flamingo Rustler restaurant. That’s the wacky and very self indulgent part of the story line. I get to create colorful characters who ebb and flow throughout and give you a taste of the spicy side of life. So… I have several ways in which I like to kill. Let’s take a look at a few, shall we? Oh and I’ll let most of your imagination do the thinking since I don’t want to give away ALL my secrets.

TOP TEN

10.  Miracle Grow Cocktail – mixes nicely with Melon liquor

9.  Dremel Tool – oh you have no idea what kind of lovely carvings you can do

8.  Pesticide man – take and wand and depending on where you shove…

7.  Expanding foam – need I say more?

6.  Garden hose full of acid – yes you have to be quick but imagine, the entire evidence dissolves

5.  Hard Salami – you can kill sate your appetite at the same time

4.  Weedeater – oh come on – do you really need any more details?

3.  Cans of pam – not just for cooking any longer

2.  Pitching ball machine lobbing grenades – very messy but oh-so-satisfying

1.  This one truly is my favorite – an epoxy gun. Oh you bet darlings. You can close up some holes in a jiffy.

Get the idea about the series? Hmmm… let’s take a taste of my upcoming release –

Fuchsia Hot Pants & Pink Lemonade

EXCERPT

He’d waited long enough and had exactly what he needed to finish the job. While this was the best part of what he was required to do, he was still antsy tonight. He loved the nighttime hours and the fact he was able to select his instruments with the sheer precision of a surgeon and the pay was damn good, but there were times he longed for a real career. One that could possibly give him the promise of retirement and not the way he knew his boss meant on a given day. He opened his window and pitched out the fourth candy wrapper, making a promise to himself to have a salad the next day, and started the engine.

The putter and sputter of the old engine groaned to life. He slapped the steering wheel and hissed. Yeah, so the clunker was good cover but he never thought he’d see himself in a 1975 classic POS. The technical term always gave him a chuckle. He put on his ah-shucks-boy attitude, slapped on the ball cap for cover and he was nothing more than an aging good ole boy out for a joy ride. Of course minus the beers and the hot girls. Yeah. Hot girls his ass.

Snorting, he turned off the radio and drove in silence to the last road on the main strip. The setting was beautifully landscaped, very secluded, posh and the perfect location for a murder. The community only half way completed, there were very few people living in the condominium. All the better to kill you with, my pretties. Laughing out loud, he drove through slowly, keeping his low beams on in the darkness and surveyed the area. There were very few lights on. As he parked on the service road, located behind all the units, he glanced over at his necessities. This one was going to be fun.

Shutting off the engine, he climbed out of the truck and whistled Old Dixie as he grabbed his bag. To anyone in the community he was simply coming home from a hard day at the office. If they only knew his office contained a full cabinet of ammunition, enough power tools to build a fortress and copious numbers of medieval tools. Most of them had been taken out for a chop or two. Except for the gutting knives. He’d been longing to use of them since he’d found the collection at a Star Trek convention over the spring. Oh well. There was plenty of time and too many kills. He’d have the opportunity – or make one.

Grinning, he continued on his path, knowing exactly where he was going. When he made it to the back door he glanced up and down the street before pulling out one of his favorite little tools and one that had gotten him out of prison. Seconds later he let himself inside.

He heard the television blaring and almost laughed out loud. This was going to be too easy. As he set his bag down in the back room and unzipped the zipper, he thought about the good ole days of planning a decent murder. It was simply pull out a gun or a machete and kill someone and if you dumped the body well enough, none the wiser. Now a days with crack pot detectives and DNA evidence, he had to be more careful, more creative in his kills. His monthly subscription to Serial Killer Nightly was well worth the $29.95 price tag and damn if he hadn’t honed his skills to near perfection.

Granted, the last kill was a little gruesome but if the man hadn’t of tried to drag his half dead ass off the table before the plunge saw cut into him then everything would have been alright. Oh, the memories were delicious indeed. This was would be less messy because of the circumstances and suited him just fine for the time being. The next four would be a little bit more fun. He had four more nights to complete the operation so there was plenty of time. A body a day kept the doctor away… Yep. He should have been a stand up comedian.

With stealth like maneuvers he moved into the darkened hallway toward the sound of the television. He could also hear a light snoring noise coming from the overstuffed and horrendously ugly plain chair positioned smack in front of what had to be a fifty-five inch LCD television and a brand new one at that. Salivating over the beautiful creation, he made a promise to himself to pick one up after receiving his next paycheck.

He walked around the chair and in truth wanted to wake the old guy up. What fun was it killing people when they didn’t run like scared rabbits? He could remember a time when… Eh, it was time to get it over with. He could head back to the shop, handle the mummification and make it to his corner bar before last call. The plan made, he raised the hard instrument over his head and as he brought it down squarely on top of the man’s noggin, he could swear he heard popping noises. There was nothing like hearing the sounds of brittle bones snapping like twigs to fill him full of such joy.

He landed another blow for good measure, cause he was that kind of guy, and looked around at the once prominent citizen. Yep. The guy was dead as a doornail. As he stood admiring his work for several seconds he grew hungry. Killing always made him ravenous. Grabbing his Swiss Army knife, he peeled back the tough plastic packaging and swore at the idiots who made shrink-wrap. He cut off several pieces of the hard salami and when he placed the first piece in his mouth, he groaned. Damn he loved a good Italian sausage.

When he’d finished the entire long link, he burped and then admonished himself for eating so much. A diet was definitely in order. Slinging the man over his shoulder, he selected a Tony Bennett song to sing to as he headed for the truck. God, he loved his work.

SYNOPSIS

Nicky was sick and tired of hearing about the stench of garbage from the landfill across from Leopard’s Pointe. So sick in fact she scheduled a meeting with Skylorn Landfill’s owner, Bruno Carletti. When Nicky found out all five members of the Board of Leopard’s Pointe, laying dead in the muck near the edge of the landfill, she headed for Mick’s bar and a kiss of the Irish from her partner, Tyler. Now it went without question that the Board wasn’t going to be successful in shutting down Skylorn’s operation. But the question was–did the owner of the tiny trash company know what was going on?

And then there’s the hot twin from Sampson Wright Development, Parker Barrington, who wasn’t only a suspect in the murders, but a known associate with the Italian Trash Cartel. As Nicky and Tyler start trying to solve the murders, mysterious sewage finds its way into every home in the Leopard’s Point, the area’s most upscale condominium community. Needless to say, everyone is in a cranky mood.

When the landscaper is accused of maiming the Grounds Committee Chair with a weed eater, things go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. And just as Nicky and Tyler they have it all figured out, the local ice cream truck begins selling drugs next to the rocket pops and fudge bars. It’s amazing what you can buy for $4.99 Then there’s the trash dump right outside their front gate. So what’s a community manager to do? Buy spandex and pray for a miracle.

I hope you enjoyed and oh, we won’t talk about the Pink BB Gun – that’s something you’ll have to find out about in this story…

ENJOY A SAUCY VIDEO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0DY8owzC3A

 

Ciao

Dakotah

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